Since we have been busy with the other ones with love, and hope you have had the good fortune to be doing the same, we have been gluttons and have had little time to do anything but digest. Aside from fading in and out of consciousness, we’ve been adding some great columns and posts to our Facebook page, catching up on our exercises in patience and sharing some yuletide spirits, generally of the alcoholic variety. We also sourced you a handy Family Holiday Letter for you to send out to all of the ones you want to extend an effortless but comprehensive communique. All you need to do is print it out, circle the appropriate, customizable tidbits in bold, and back to the bowl of egg nog you go.
Happy holidays to you and yours! We wish you a safe and festive New Year season.
Dear [Special Family Member/Friend/Internet Friend/Co-Worker/Service Provider],
Well, another [Christmas/Hanukkah*/Kwanzaa/Ramadan/Wookiee Life Day/Dark Festival of Dead Dreaming Cthulhu] is upon us. So much has happened to the ______________ family this year that it’s hard to know where to start!
2010 was a year marked by [great hope/utter despair/adherence to the status quo]. It truly was the best of times/the worst of times. We watched as our favorite sports team, the ___________, won the ___________. Boy, when __________ [hit/shot/threw/caught/scored/made/killed] that [ball/pass/goal/try/wicket/bull], we cheered so loudly that I’m sure you heard us in __________, your home town! We were saddened when our favorite [actor/singer/author/politician/artist/matador passed away/was killed accidentally/was brutally murdered/was stricken with _________/was gored]. [He/she] was [so young/so fortunate to have lived for so long] ! And how about that Hadron Collider! Crazy stuff. All in all, 2010 reminded us that America is still the greatest nation on earth/has become a cesspool of greed and corruption. We’re sure you feel the same way, [Special Family Member/Friend/Internet Friend/Co-Worker/Service Provider].
The kids are doing just great. ___________, our [son/daughter], turned ____ in ____________. [He/she] is getting so big! [His/her] hobbies include ___________ and _________. Of course, [he/she] still loves music, and enjoys listening to [rock/alt-rock/classic rock/progressive rock/jazz/country/western/country and western/rap/hiphop/crunk/house/techno/industrial/gospel music]. We think [he/she] will be the next [Miles Davis/Trent Reznor/Garth Brooks] !
___________, our [son/daughter], turned ____ in ____________. [He/she] is getting so big! [His/her] hobbies include ___________ and __________. We don’t hear from him/her very much, since [he/she] decided to leave home/school in order to join the Army/Navy/Air Force/Marines/Coast Guard/French Foreign Legion/al-Qaeda and/or the Taliban /priesthood/Yakuza/loyal group of Phish fans who follow the band on tour] and embark on a life of [service to our country/France/virulent anti-Western Jihadism/faith/trading grilled cheese sandwiches for weed in stadium parking lots].
Of course, ____________ my [wife/husband/partner/ever-growing collection of hairless cats] is doing [great/as well as can be expected, given the circumstances]. [His/her] job as a _____________ is incredibly [exciting and rewarding/demeaning and dehumanizing], and [he/she] is looking forward to [that promotion/the release that sweet, sweet Death will bring]. (NOTE: THE PART ABOUT THE JOB CAN BE DELETED IF YOU HAVE THE COLLECTION OF HAIRLESS CATS, UNLESS YOUR CATS HAVE JOBS.)
As for me, I’m doing [great/three therapy sessions a week, along with about six different medications and an electric collar that sends 100 volts through me every time I do what the kids call my “weird shrieking thing”]. I’m still staying active, thanks to [diet and exercise/Wii Bowling and masturbation]. I recently [lost/gained] ______ pounds, and it really shows. [Hooray!/Jesus].
Well, [Special Family Member/Friend/Internet Friend/Co-Worker/Service Provider], we here at __________ sincerely hope that you and yours have a very safe, prosperous and happy [Christmas/Hanukkah*/Kwanzaa/Ramadan/Wookiee Life Day/Dark Festival of Dead Dreaming Cthulhu]. If you’re ever in _______________, please stop by and visit. We’re hoping to get to your home town of ______________ in the near future. We understand that it’s lovely this time of year.
Warmest regards and seasons greetings from all of us,
[ Courtesy of DadCentric – http://www.dadcentric.com/2010/12/the-dadcentric-2010-instant-annual-family-holiday-letter.html%5D